Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
