I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
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