I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
