I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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