They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
