my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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