If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
