we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
