Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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