He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
