That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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