Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
