I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
