I'm lost and stupid without you.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
