my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
