I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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