i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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