dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
