god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
