Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
