I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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