My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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