I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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