She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
