Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
im six kinds of drunk right now
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Sorry my hands just texted you
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
