Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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