do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
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