She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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