your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
