we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
