I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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