umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
