Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
