I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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