just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
