I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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