4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
