someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
