So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
