Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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