What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
