A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
