I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
