I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
