Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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