she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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