She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
