hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
