I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
