I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
